Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike got this in right before the Big Game
Sun Feb 06, 2005 at 06:18:43 pm EST
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LL/Avengers Continues (Make sure to read HH's and JJJ's bits first though)
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Avengers/Lair Legion # ??


“HERPES Complex” OR “Keeping the R.R. Rolling with Improbable Nazi War Machines”




“Forged of an unknown metal, the Evil Eye is virtually indestructible and can manipulate matter at the molecular level, fire concussive force blasts, disintegrate matter, nullify other energy sources, and create or destroy force fields. The Evil Eye also has dimensional/time travel powers. It apparently had a "safety" button that charged it, but if the button was left in the on position, the power would rapidly grow too high until it exploded. When it exploded, the Eye would be split into six similar parts that would be driven through the planet, not stopping until they reached sunlight once again,” the Vision exposited in his deep monotone.

“Well, let’s see if we can avoid that last part,” Visionary advised from his seat in the Lairjet’s cockpit, “One hero-led scavenger hunt for items of cosmic power is enough.”

“It may not be up to us, son. The Eye is subject to the whims of its holder, and if this Count Fokker is as, ah, inept as you say….”

“We didn’t say he was inept. We said he was a lame Teutonic stereotype with delusions of grandeur,” Al B. Harper corrected the Living Legend, “and he is, too.”

“He can’t be any worse than that buffoon we encountered at your Mansion,” was how Quicksilver described Thighmaster, “If he was any indication of the types of villains the Lair Legion faces, this world has little to worry about.”

“Remind me to tell you about the Chain Knight some time,” Vizh muttered darkly.

Mr. Epitome had other concerns, “We still have no guarantee that HERPES is in possession of the artifact. We’re acting on an anonymous tip.”

“But the location that was e-mailed to us matched up with the coordinates Dr. Harper discerned with his research,” Warbird pointed out.

“Please,” the scientist entreated the statuesque blonde, “call me Al.”

Captain America turned to the hero who had been silent since their journey began, “What’s your take on all of this, Hatman?”

“It does feel like a set up, and I don’t like being manipulated. But our first priority is reclaiming the Evil Eye. So let’s assume it is Fokker who’s wielding it and work from there.”

Cap nodded approvingly, “How do you want us to approach this?”

“Whu-what?” Jay couldn’t believe the greatest superhero strategist of all time was looking to him for tactics.

“You have more experience dealing with this particular threat, and you know your team. Heck, you know my team, to a point. Who else should be in charge?”

It was then that Jay Boaz experienced what his friend Dream would call a “nerdgasm.”

*****


Kaltwunder Kommandant Hochenstoffler watched his leader imperiously scan through the moldy blueprints. With a sigh of disdain he rubbed his fingertips together in an effort to remove the grime.

“Vy are these in such shoddy condition? Zey are the schematics of vun of the Reich’s greatest veapons!”

“Es tüt mir leit, Graf Fokker. There was a burst pipe in the records room, causing significant mildew damage.”

The vein on Wolfgang Fokker’s shiny brow throbbed with malevolence, “Have Haupthausmeister Gortknokken flogged. In fact, have the entire Maintenance Department flogged!”

“Jäwohl, mein Führer.”

Fokker watched his Cold Sore Commander scurry off. It depressed the Junker that Hochenstoffler was one of his most competent men. He remembered a time when he commanded his homeland’s best and brightest, and had been part of an empire that very nearly put all of civilization under its yoke.

The Evil Eye thrummed with sympathy in his grasp. If all went well, those heady days would come again.

*****


The Lair Legion/Avengers Espionage Squad wasted little time gaining access to the HERPES cell. Once an entrance had been discovered behind a Tschechisches Gaensegulasch stand in downtown Stuttgart, it was simplicity itself for the Vision to by-pass the security codes and allow Quicksilver to strike next.

Pietro rendered the sentries unconscious and made a lightning quick reconnaissance. He returned with valuable information and three sets of HERPES uniforms.

“Fokker is in some kind of underground bunker, haranguing his minions. He’s holding the Eye.”

“How many?” Hatty asked as he secured the ropes that held the plainclothes guards from above ground and dropped them into the subterranean checkpoint where Cap was doing the same with the bucket helmed agents.

“About 250. Apparantly wearing ashcans on your heads is considered fashionable in the Parodyverse,” Quicksilver snarked.

“If that’s the case, then we’re about to be part of the in-crowd,” Captain America began donning the terrorist group’s traditional togs.

“I will scout ahead in my intangible state and deactivate any possible alarms,” the Vision intoned before wafting off.

“Do you think we should call in the others?” Cap looked to Hatman.

Jay shook his head, “No, let’s hold the big guns in reserve for now.”

*****


Hovering high above the clouds, Carol Danvers decided to try to learn more about her fellow ‘Big Guns.’

“So you two are members of the Lair Legion, even though you don’t have any powers?” she asked Al B. and Visionary.

“We’re associate members, which means we sort of operate behind the scenes. Except for some reason we always seem to be in the thick of the action,” Vizh replied.

“Actually Visionary does have some powers. He’s tied into the Conceptual-Causality Matrix of the Parodyverse. If it’s ever empirically proven that he is either real or fake the Parodyverse ceases to exist,” Harper explained helpfully, “Also if he ceases to exist then the Apostate takes over the place, which would be Very Bad. So Vizh is really the most important Legionnaire of all.”

“Huh,” Warbird looked at the yellow-coated man with some respect, causing him to blush.

“I’ve often wondered about that,” Mr. Epitome said as he watched the Espionage Team’s progress with his telescopic X-ray vision, “If it is in the Parodyverse’s best interest to keep Visionary alive and ignorant, shouldn’t the Legion keep him out of harm’s way? Perhaps in some kind of stasis?”

“And Epitome here is your basic Superman knock off, only without the civility,” Al B. explained.

“You know, suspended animation doesn’t sound so bad, compared to how my days usually go,” the possibly fake man admitted begrudgingly.

“Something’s happening in the steel works outside the city,” Al B. interrupted, “I’m picking up massive concentrations of transmutative energy. Switch on the external cameras, Vizh.”

A flash of light enveloped the Stuttgart Stahlarbeiten. When it subsided the entire factory was gone, replaced by several dozen heavily armored free-standing tires, each ten stories high.”

“Reich Radials,” the Paragon of Power noted clinically, “This is not good. Take us down, Harper.”

*****


“Die Reichradialstrahlen!” Fokker gestured at the screen behind him with the Evil Eye, “The greatest veapon of the Wehrmacht! But vhere the Third Reich only had one such engine of destruction, I have scores. Thus is the power of Fokker!”

“He made those with the Eye?” Quicksilver muttered to his teammates, “Why not build some more up-to-date weaponry with it?”

“Nazis wallow in nostalgia, Pietro, no matter what reality they’re from,” Cap whispered back. The Sentinel of Liberty had seen enough. He signaled to the shadows of the bunker where the Vision waited. The plan was to have the synthezoid act as a distraction while Pietro moved in with super-speed to wrest the cosmic weapon free from Fokker’s grasp. Then he and Hatman would make quick work of the HERPES foot soldiers that surrounded them.

That was the plan, anyway.

A beam of energy shot from the Eye, blasting Vision into his material state. Quicksilver didn’t take ten steps before crashing into an imperceptible energy shield.

Fokker aimed the Eye at Cap and Hatman. The resulting blast vaporized their costumes.

“Vell vell vell, vot hav ve here,” the undisputed master of HERPES chuckled, “Spies. You are just in time, spies, to vitness the birth of the Fourth and Final Reich!!”

“I’ve heard that vow before, Fokker, from fiends worse than you!” Captain America unslung his mighty shield and used it to carve a swath through the lolly-gagging HERPES agents, “I’ve stopped them, and I swear I’ll stop you!”

Jay donned his Steelers cap and began pummeling his own share of goons, “Be reasonable Fokker. Nazism is dead. History. You are not going to bring it back with these clowns at your side.”

The Count sneered, “Perhaps not, Hatman. But the past can be the present, for the vielder of the Evil Eye!”

Then Wolfgang Fokker concentrated, using the Eye’s power to bend time and space, and bringing to him what he needed to make his dream a reality.

From across the multiverse they came, pouring through the gates opened by Fokker’s desire. The invaders took many shapes: human, cyborg, zombie, prawn- but what were constant were the familiar symbol of hate that each one wore and the monstrous ideology each one expressed.

“Here are your Nazis!” Fokker crowed in triumph, “Every last vun!!”



To be continued (by somebody else, maybe? Please?) in “Crisis of Infinite Nazis”

Footnotes:

The tip off Mr. Epitome mentions I figured could have come from the Zemoes once they stole the “real” Evil Eye, since they didn’t want to give their Teutonic rival any time to learn just exactly how much power he held in his grabby little hands.


The first bit of dialogue in this story is lifted from one of my favorite sites, the Appendix to the Handbook of the Marvel Universe, a great place to look up obscure characters that have shown up in Marvel’s stories. I should give credit to “Snood” for the text, and hope he doesn’t mind the swipe (if he ever finds out about it).

The Appendix to the Handbook of the Marvel Universe:

http://www.marvunapp.com/Appendix2/evileyeavalon.htm



The Reich Radial is a parody of an old Black Hawk threat, the War Wheel. This site has a picture of the machine, though Board Bete Noire John Byrne drew a fantastic version of the War Wheel in his Captain America/Batman book.

http://www.robertweinberg.net/gifs/bookcovers/bh56-big.jpg




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